Bringing Home the Baby

As soon as I get a chance you'll have more baby details than you can stand!

Fun Baby Fact

A newborn baby's stomach is the size of an almond.

7 Best Responses for Do I Look Fat?

1. No, you look pregnant.
Only if she's at least 5 months pregnant AND looks pregnant. Misuse of this response could lead to divorce and death.

2. It's all baby.
Hope she forgets you complaining about having to buy maternity clothes.

3. Don't say anything.
Act like you're in deep thought worrying about being a good parent.

4. I have to go to the store.
The fat question is proximity triggered and if you're not in the house she can't ask.

5. I'm sick of you asking if you look fat! You never believe me when I say no.
This one is tricky, trying to turn it back around on her will only work if her self-esteem level is at least 75% of max capacity. Any less and she turns into a crying mess and you're mean.

6. That color really brings out your eyes.
This is another tricky situation. You actually have to preempt the fat question. This almost requires a sixth sense about finding the perfect timing so she doesn't catch on. They can smell insincerity with alarming accuracy, like dangerous predators looking for something to kill.

7. I have a surprise!
Girls love surprises, it shows you care enough to sneak behind her back for the good of the relationship. If you're constantly taking her to Chili's or just giving her ice cream sandwiches, thank you Michael Scott, she'll eventually catch on to this ploy. Then you'll have to actually buy her something. Avoid that and plan ahead. Stock up on Hallmark cards and gift cards that don't expire and hide them. Nothing says I love you like hiding things from your spouse.

Know your way around the fat question? Add your own in the comments below.

5 Things That Make Pregnancy Easier For Soon-to-Be Dads

Everything is a learning process, so hopefully this will put some dads ahead of the curve.

1. Purchase and read Baby 411.

This great book is an indispensable guide to everything baby. From definitions to diapers, this is a must have to make your life easier.

2. Make a list of everything you need to buy and add to the baby registry* before you leave the house.

This novel concept of creating lists will save you valuable time when adding things to your baby registry and from making many, many, many repeat trips. I know, I know. As guys we never need to ask for directions or write anything down and absolutely nothing surpasses the male mind's ability to retain important information, such as sports stats and how to work the universal remote. But it is inevitable we will get to a store and forget something. This will then lead to not wanting to go back to the store and rigging something with a clothes hanger and duct tape. I've been told this is not baby friendly. Remember, check the list twice, shop once.

*You can add items online once you've registered at stores. Be careful though, some items are only available online and will be noted.

3. Never ever under any circumstances agree with her that she looks bigger in any way.

Lie, walk or run away. Act like you forgot she was pregnant. She will be sneaky and ask the dreaded 'Do I look fat?' question in innumerable ways that you won't be ready for. If you slip and reply with anything but a rock-solid 'NO' just go to the garage and act like you just remembered something you needed to do, like changing the car's oil. The garage is your refuge.

4. Learn the lingo.

If you don't speak the language you will definitely be cut out of decision making when it comes to the baby and worst of all you won't be a good dad. And all women will scorn you. What's an aspirator, a Boppie or GERD? What about colic, and why do these bottles help avoid it? You know how much RAM is in your computer, get to know the baby lingo and you'll be an all-star dad that all the women love. Score!

5. Relax.

Most of us don't have any problem sitting back and letting the wife do her obsessive/compulsive thing, but it's easy to get caught up in all the baby broohaha. Before you know it you'll be adding to her stress and not be the awesome/laid back/cool/superhero-ish guy you usually are. Show her you care but don't freak out, nothing is ever 100% perfect and I am absolutely 75% sure pregnancy is only temporary.

Just Work It Out

About 5 months into the pregnancy my wife discovered that sleeping on the floor with her pregnancy pillow was more comfortable than the bed and one sleep-deprived night she started crying out. I blearily looked over and could only see her sitting up and leaning back on hands, her little face all scrunched up.

In my mind I immediately went from a dead tired sleep to she's having the baby! About a hundred different things we hadn't done yet raced through my mind as I tried to roll out of bed.
Our hospital bags aren't packed... We don't have bottles... I haven't read the baby books... What time is it? Why is she in labor now? What if something is wrong with the baby? We don't have a car seat... We can't even take the baby home from the hospital! AHHHH!!!
I was in shear panic mode for about 1.37 seconds trying to get around the bed to her.
It was a leg cramp.
The joys of pregnancy never end.

So leg cramps can be a common occurrence around the second trimester, this is good information to know. Here's some tips on how to avoid them from babycenter.com

• Avoid standing or sitting with your legs crossed for long periods of time.

• Stretch your calf muscles regularly during the day and several times before you go to bed.

• Rotate your ankles and wiggle your toes when you sit, eat dinner, or watch TV.

• Take a walk every day, unless your midwife or doctor has advised you not to exercise.

• Avoid getting too tired. Lie down on your left side to improve circulation to and from your legs.

• Stay hydrated during the day by drinking water regularly.

• Try a warm bath before bed to relax your muscles.

Convertible Baby Furniture: Gimmick or Good Idea?

When we first started delving into the baby world I was deluged by gimmicky little things with slight item improvements that promised to make life easier. Baby bath spas with built-in digital thermometers, bottles with ergonomic rubber grips, organic cotton burp cloths, musical swings with mp3 jacks, which we have, shopping cart covers, 5-stage booster seats, biodegradable table top covers. Any baby-related item you can possibly imagine is available in pastel colors from China. So when I heard about convertible baby furniture I wasn't completely sold, especially since it cost more. Did we really need it? Would it justify the extra cost and make life easier? Or was it just another gimmick in the apparently highly competitive world of baby stuff.

Well, I have to say the people who came up with convertible baby furniture are complete geniuses. This marvel of carpentry brilliance converts from a crib to a toddler bed to a full-size I'm-ready-to-move-out bed. Throw in a matching dresser for a changing surface and storage and you're set. Don't let the increased price crowd out the future convenience these things offer. A single furniture pick-up and assembly ensures that your little baby has a place to lay their head until they're 25 and paying you rent. Genius.

The crib/bed assembly is straight forward and no harder than a regular piece of furniture. You will have to buy the conversion kit, fancy talk for matching bed rails, later to convert to the full size bed. Throw on a larger mattresses and box springs and your set. Though the convertible cribs tend to cost more than the traditional anything that will reduce moving furniture and is appropriate for ages 0-18 years is a winner with me. Another plus is you won't be trying to sell the outgrown crib later on Craigslist. Nice!

Guy Recommendations:

- Gimmick or Good Idea? Good idea.
- If you can afford the convertible crib/bed get it. Eliminating future hassles is nice.
- See if there are any sets on clearance. Our furniture set was being discontinued because the manufacturer couldn't keep up with demand, so the clearance stuff isn't always the ugly junk no one wants.
- We bought a bed and dresser set by Baby Cache. Both pieces are fairly heavy and the bed has plenty of solid-wooden parts.

Big Money for Tiny Clothes

Get ready for the madness of shopping for baby clothes. Your wife has waited and waited for the opportunity to utterly control the life of another human being since you got together and it's all culminated into playing dress up with a real baby. Normally frugal women, I'm not saying I know any, throw their money-saving senses out the window. Your wife, her friends, in-laws and people you barely talk to will all contribute to the hysteria of cute little tiny clothes that could only have been created by magical elves in Honduras.

I know I'm approaching this with guy logic, if you're paying more then you should be getting more. Whereas the women are willing to forgo the college savings plan for a little more cutie patootieness. But I can never justify spending $20 for shoes, the kid can't even stand. Why would he need Converse? I guess we're all just slaves to fashion and the female need to accessorize.

The average baby outfit has been ranging from only $3 on clearance at Baby Gap to $30 at Babies R Us. The clearance clothes at Baby Gap are reasonably priced, but they're a little sneaky in making you buy everything separately which can add up quick. 20 bucks for a shirt?! But I do have to admit the Baby Gap clothes are more stylish and clever. Don't know how much clever matters if your kid throws up and gets poo all over the nice $40 outfit. I guess that's why they make OxiClean, rest in peace Billie Mays.

Some Tidbits

According to the United States Department of Agriculture and MSN Money the average household with an income from 40K-70K will spend $9,840 from 0-2 years of age, of that 9 THOUSAND dollars $410 will be on clothes. And that's after they get here, throw in the medical expenses (extortion money) you've already paid and you've spent well over 10k in exchange for 3,500 dirty diapers. That is some serious return on investment.

Guy Recommendations:

- Run interference on any display showing tiny baby shoes. You know how many shoes she owns, just imagine what she could do with unlimited closet space.
- Give your wife some leeway on shopping and buying a few onesies, sleeping gowns, socks, hats, galoshes, blah blah blah, it means you don't have to. Score one for the dads!

Baby 411 Is Amazing!!

This book is as close as you'll come to having an instruction manual for babies and I am extremely glad a friend recommended it. It's written by an MD, who is also an official spokesperson for the American Academy of Pediatrics, and an Oprah-approved Mom and parenting expert who blend medical expertise and practical advice into easy to digest chunks of information.

What exactly is colic? Turn to page 249.

What is this and why does it smell so bad? Page 162.
Oh crap I just dropped the baby! Page 390.
It's that simple.

This gold mine of information is entertaining and easy to read, covers a huge range of topics for the first year of a baby's life, from circumcision to vaccinations, and has everything under the sun indexed and cross referenced for easy retrieval when you need it. It also clarifies old wives tales, gives practical and economic advice and lays down the hard bottom line facts when it comes to controversial topics. There are also nice little tidbits about how you and your wife can maintain your sanity.

I have no doubt the tips and explanations in this indispensable little jewel will save us hours of trial and error and just having this great reference guide to quickly flip through when I have a question about feeding, sleeping, crying, etc...has made me feel much better about this whole process. We're guys, we need at least a rough outline of how to work this baby contraption.

If you're having a baby get this book. It's a guy friendly guide that covers 3 billion of the 3.1 billion things that can go wrong, is cheap from amazon.com and is the closest thing you'll get to a game plan.

The Awesome Aorta

So what exactly is the aorta and why is it so awesome?

The aorta is the largest artery in the body and carries oxygen-rich blood away from the heart and distributes it to the other arteries of the body. The average aorta is the size of a hot dog starting at the top of the heart and running the length of your abdomen. I know, this is thrilling stuff.

While the anatomy of the aorta is mostly the same for everyone the reason for it's awesomeness will no doubt vary from person to person. My own aorta's awesomeness is due to it's excellent reliability, extended warranty
and being a necessity for living. I'm
sure other people will have their own reasons.

It Giveth Life and Causeth Vomiteth

The medical description of the aorta seems fairly straight forward, it's the high-speed Autobahn of arteries that carries the oxygenated blood to the body which in turn gives you life. Seems pretty important. In addition to this handy function of keeping us alive, the aorta can also make you spontaneously vomit, become dizzy, smooth pass out and generally feel like crap from oxygen deprivation when pressure is applied, or in this specific case a well placed baby part.

This tricky little detail was responsible for several bad morning and midday vomiting sessions and several miserable weeks. Here's how it works. Subtly, the baby aorta clamp shifts into place and applies pressure throughout the night, ensuring a great vomitous, oxygen-deprived start to the day, thus masking itself as morning sickness. Unknown to us, the vomiting would usually shift the baby's position and my wife would start to feel better as the day went on and oxygen started to return. Very, Very sneaky. We assumed it was just persistent morning sickness (yeah I read the baby books). Oh little did we know.
Vomit, feel better.
Vomit, feel better.
Vomit, feel better.
Vomit, feel bad whole day, can't think straight, vomit, feel better.
Repeat the next day.
I started carrying Wal-Mart bags with us everywhere after an unpleasant public experience involving pancakes, a trash can and two people eating in a cafe. If I wasn't running looking for a bathroom I would have apologized.

When we went in for the monthly appointment the doctor was able to diagnose the aorta pressure immediately after hearing the symptoms/stories and she showed us several techniques for avoiding aorta catastrophe. Being aware of this possible complication could have helped us prevent several upchucking events and sleepless nights so feel enlightened by this knowledge.

Baby Adjustments 101

1. Push gently but firmly on one side of her stomach until you can feel the baby shift.
2. If the baby won't shift with the gentle method get a large fork from the kitchen, just kidding.
Use your palms and apply more pressure gently. The doctor looked like she was kneading
dough when she was showing us but I figure she may have more experience and can be a little
rougher.
3. The last method was all up to gravity, your wife needs to get into a position where the baby
hangs away from her torso. It can be leaning over on a counter, on her hands and knees or
whatever. This helped avert many last minute messes.
4. She should start to feel better almost immediately if the baby has shifted. Not 'let me make
you sandwich' better but she won't pass out and hurt herself falling, which you will most
definitely be blamed for.

Guy Recommendations:

- You can never have too many Wal-Mart plastic bags stashed everywhere.
- If it really is morning sickness Preggie Pops actually do work, I have absolutely no idea why though.
- If your wife says she feels nauseous ask if she has a headache and general feeling of blahhhh. If she does, implement one of the above anti-aorta baby clamp moves. You'll be a hero.
- The night is not your friend. Set out everything you're both going to wear the night before. I know many girls already do this but after three or four bad nights many things go out the window.
- Make sure light-headed spells don't turn into potentially dangerous fainting. Just one fainting incident and you have just officially been appointed as her chauffeur until the doctor says otherwise. Get some good reading material.

The Ultra-Violent Ultrasound aka 4D.

Welcome to the fourth dimension of babydom. First there was ultrasound technology in the 70s that, according to my dad, looked like a snowy television screen. And in the 80s technology improved, the snowstorm lessened and blips of baby parts could be seen here and there. And now the pinnacle of 21st century technology gives us the sci-fi blockbuster of the year, THE BABY in 4-D. Starring Your Baby.

This action packed show of twists and turns, ups and downs and maybe even thumb sucking is the upsize popcorn sell of the movie theatres. You've already forked out around $400 bucks for the seemingly uneducated sonography technician to push buttons, I will always be bitter, why not pay another $200 and cherish this memory in a reddish color with some claymation-quality depth. That way 18 years later you can whip this $600 picture out when they bring home a girl and say 'look how bulgy your eyes were when they were just forming. Good thing you grew out of it.'

Overall the 4D ultrasound was 90% for my wife and only 10% for me. Don't get me wrong, it's a nice piece of technology that I'm sure we, as taxpayers, funded during the Cold War, but I personally enjoyed the regular 3D ultrasound more. It was very detailed showing his teeny weeny bones, his heart beating and it was even able to distinguish blood flow in and out of the umbilical cord in red and blue. Now that's a show I would, and did pay, to see.

Granted, 4D technology is all the rage now, something akin to the microwave in the 70s I think, and posting your ablative-looking darling on your myspace and facebook pages is a great way to share with family and friends. But when it really comes down to it, when the money is actually leaving your account, the 4D ultrasound is a just a novelty for parents to one-up the person in the next cubicle with the latest in baby related crap.

You can have the 4D ultrasound performed at your doctor's office if they offer it or you can do a local Yahoo! search for 4D ultrasounds in your area. We came to learn that there are regulations on sonography and that sonograms are lumped into two categories, recreational and medical. The recreational sonograms are performed with the same equipment as medical-grade but not necessarily by trained and qualified, I use that loosely, sonographers. The recreational sonography offices are required by law to display a 'For recreational use only' sign, so you're paying for the 4D on your own dime.

The Ultra-Violence

In our case we were able to find a licensed sonographer qualified for medical-grade ultrasounds with 16 years experience offering 3D and 4D for the low low price of only $100. The sonographer was very professional taking measurements, filling out the chart to take back to the doctor's office, pictures and DVD of the procedure, the whole enchilada. I was ecstatic to finally get a break, something relatively cheap and the wife was happy. I should have known the doctor's office would retaliate at this dishonor to their family.

When we showed up for our next doctor's appointment, on time, and were informed by the office manager, not a medical professional, that they couldn't accept an out-of-office ultrasound due to liability issues,
I reached the violence level.
The mousy woman then proceeded to tell us that our scheduled ultrasound to check for spina bifida, that we didn't know about or need, would only be, you guessed it, $385.
I reached the ultra violence level.
After finding a fairly priced service by a qualified individual the prenatal cartel struck back with the dreaded liability ploy. We had a valid ultrasound report, the sonographer had several letters of credentials after her name, we knew everything we needed to know from a freaking ultrasound. I would have thrown that woman threw the front glass doors if I wouldn't have gone to jail. In the end we had to pay the money to move forward in the whole prenatal care scam. Nothing assuages my bitterness except the hope for a lifetime of bad service for these individuals and maybe home foreclo

Guy Recommendations:

- The regular 3D ultrasound is more than enough for baby related information.
- Be ready to become bored after seeing the same thing for 15 minutes. DO NOT take out your reading material while the ultrasound is going on. Your wife will be in a grand state of rapture while looking at the baby inside her. Her wrath for you ruining the moment will be equally grand.
- Do not make snide comments about the doctor's office staff's weight, mock double negatives or threaten the nurses or sonography technicians. This will only make your wife angry, she doesn't care what they think of you but how she looks being married to you.

Pregnancy is a Racket

Welcome to the world of pregnancy, you can check out any time you like but you can never leave. You'll quickly become acquainted with the prenatal cartels of this shadowy underworld and soon realize that everything costs 3-4 times more than you think it should. From the $300-$800 ultrasounds to the $80 Winnie the Pooh humidifier , everything is overpriced and expensive for what you get.

Supply and Demand

Our experiences with everything from medical services to buying baby bottles seems to have been dictated by the supply and demand principle, or in other words everyone is having babies so customer service is crammed in the third row of seats in the minivan of suburbia. From OBGYN's inflexible schedules and completely incompetent doctor-office support staff to utterly abysmal customer service for buying the baby furniture. You'll see it all and will undoubtedly be frustrated from pregnancy headaches such as taking off work to be at a doctor's appointments on time only to wait 25 minutes past the appointment time 'due to the nature of the business', every single stinking visit. And yes I am bitter about this.

In addition to bad customer service be prepared to pay exorbitant prices or be nickel and dimed to the poor house. The petite little girl smiling up from behind the appointment counter asking for $384 for an ultrasound might as well have been a 6-foot tall guy in a track suit saying 'gimme your money'. And be prepared to buy specially designed baby bags and more baby bags just to carry around all of the pacifiers, bottles, baby wipes, diapers, baby lotion, baby sunscreen, sanitary wipes, extra clothes, teething rings, changing pads, burp cloths, extra onesies, and any medicine they need. You know, just the essentials. And this is just the junk you're supposed to carry with you. At home you've got the Boppie pillow, Bumbo seat, swing, bottle drying rack, baby bath and an innumerable amount of other things that are 'necessities' for your baby's well being. I wouldn't be surprised to find out Fisher-Price owned some storage unit companies on the side.

Life Before Plastic

Once I walked into Babies R Us and took in the grandeur of the towering rows and rows of baby related contraptions I had an epiphany. It must be a huge mystery to anthropologists how the human species survived before the invention of pastel plastics. But not just regular plastic, special antimicrobial, BPA/PVC/Phthalate free, FDA approved, polypropylene Made In The USA plastic. Be prepared to be inundated with callout labels assuring you their product is free of incredibly harmful components you've probably never heard of and had no idea were harmful.

Guy Recommendation:
- Be prepared to deal with incompetent people who are bad at their jobs.
- Be prepared to rearrange your schedule for doctor's appointments to show up and wait and wait.
- Just accept that you're paying more money than it's worth for a nurse who uses double negatives to take your wife's blood pressure and find the babies heartbeat with a machine you can get at Babies R Us.
- Convert to a religion that doesn't believe in going to the doctor.
- Focus on the fact pregnancy is temporary. You can't beat the prenatal cartels by yourself, it would take an army/alien invasion to break the stranglehold that the past 20 years of continuos marketing has built.

Take Something To Read

Life is waiting.
Waiting in line at the movies, at McDonald's, at football games...
We're guys, usually we take the waiting stoically, like immovable mountains that stand the test of time. Well be prepared to throw that stoic crap out the window and say hello to the time vortexes that are maternity clothing stores and the OBGYN office. These inhospitable environments will hit you with boring almost immediately, time will slow down, drowsiness will set in and your only salvation from these deadly traps is something good to read. I'm almost certain men have died in these places though no one talks about it.

Take a Look, It's in a Book

Trust me, you don't want to be the guy at the OBGYN who forgot something to read. That guy will be looking around utterly bored out of his mind and slightly delusional because the TVs will be on The Weather Channel and any office magazines will be for chicks. A bonafide hell for any man. The only way to combat this P-Syndrome, as it's being called, is to bring a decent sized magazine or book, a Men's Health or PC World would be more than enough. I would even recommend getting a subscription to something testosterone-related since you're gonna be in it for a long 9 months. And if you're uncomfortable sitting in a waiting room surrounded by women shooting you furtive glances get a magazine that you think enhances your coolness/manliness. You obviously have the goods to make a baby but if you need a little more uumph get something that screams secure masculine male, like Consumer Reports or Soldier of Fortune. A Playboy might not be the best idea but I've seen everything from Guns and Ammo to the Wall Street Journal. The same goes for the maternity clothing stores. Post up in a chair outside the dressing room and settle in for the inevitable trying-on of cleverly designed elastic clothes. You'll be well into reading about something you enjoy and not notice the effects of the time vortex when she's ready to go.

Guy Recommendations:

- Take a magazine or book, don't play games on your phone or take a PSP or GameBoy. If you're first inclination is to bring portable electronic games go shut your head in the refrigerator door a few times because you shouldn't be having a baby anyway.
- Hold your wife's hand and tell her you love her. It's the only way you'll survive.
- Motherhood Maternity was the best place we've been while shopping for maternity clothes. Their prices are reasonable and the sales staff are helpful and seem used to husbands and boyfriends.

Morning Sickness: Gel or Suppositories? You make the call.

As your wife progresses, and if you're lucky morning sickness will just be a scary urban legend whispered about but if you're not lucky phenergan will be you're wife's best friend.

Although known as morning sickness the spontaneous vomiting can happen anytime, anywhere. Yep, heading to lunch, going to dinner, getting ready for bed. Nowhere is safe from your wife's hormone-induced upchucking if she has persistent sickness.
Phenergan, also known as promethazine, will be you and your wife's miracle drug if the dreaded morning sickness arrives. The tricky thing here is that when your wife is vomiting up EVERYTHING, even water, something simple to swallow, like a pill, won't help much. So when you ask the doctor for nausea medicine and they suggest phenergan make sure you ask for phenergan GEL. It comes in metered doses and all your wife has to do is rub it on her wrists. I can almost guarantee your wife will not be thrilled to see you bring home suppositories. The only downside is that phenergan can make her a little drowsy so she shouldn't be at the construction site after she's used some.

There are several medications that are available for morning sickness, your doctor will rattle off a list of possible drugs for morning sickness but phenergan was the only thing that worked for my wife.

Guy Recommendation:

Promethazine gel good, suppositories probably not ideal. And stashing some Walmart bags in the cars wouldn't hurt either.

Buy a Digital Pregnancy Test!!!!

Trust me on this one, pay the extra 5 bucks and buy a digital pregnancy test. I know there are commercials everywhere for easy-to-read tests and I'm sure some work just fine but in my experience those commercials are made by dirty liars who think it's funny.

Instructions that could define the next 18 years of your life such as 'second pink line may be very faint and may take up to 20 minutes to appear' should not be included as a foot note in a size 4 font!!!

So after staring at the merest shadow of a second line that could only be seen if the light reflected just right I went and bought a digital pregnancy test. We're guys we know electronics, we can READ electronics. It has a little LCD screen and an hourglass that displays while you're waiting and then it spells out in actual legible letters, pregnant or not pregnant. The stars don't have to be aligned and you don't need special lighting to see the P word. It might just be me but seeing it in hard digital brings it home, if the electronic device made in China says she's pregnant she's pregnant.

Guy Recommendation:

- The digital pregnancy test will save you time and stress.
- We used a Clearblue Easy Digital test and it saved me from at least a month of denial. I know most guys aren't looking for blogs to read about pregnancy tests so ladies if you're reading this let your guy know ahead of time digital is the way to go.

***And as my only little footnote, the default state of the test is pregnant so after the hourglass disappears don't wait hoping without hope for the 'not' to appear, you wouldn't want to look dumb, ahem.***