The Ultra-Violent Ultrasound aka 4D.

Welcome to the fourth dimension of babydom. First there was ultrasound technology in the 70s that, according to my dad, looked like a snowy television screen. And in the 80s technology improved, the snowstorm lessened and blips of baby parts could be seen here and there. And now the pinnacle of 21st century technology gives us the sci-fi blockbuster of the year, THE BABY in 4-D. Starring Your Baby.

This action packed show of twists and turns, ups and downs and maybe even thumb sucking is the upsize popcorn sell of the movie theatres. You've already forked out around $400 bucks for the seemingly uneducated sonography technician to push buttons, I will always be bitter, why not pay another $200 and cherish this memory in a reddish color with some claymation-quality depth. That way 18 years later you can whip this $600 picture out when they bring home a girl and say 'look how bulgy your eyes were when they were just forming. Good thing you grew out of it.'

Overall the 4D ultrasound was 90% for my wife and only 10% for me. Don't get me wrong, it's a nice piece of technology that I'm sure we, as taxpayers, funded during the Cold War, but I personally enjoyed the regular 3D ultrasound more. It was very detailed showing his teeny weeny bones, his heart beating and it was even able to distinguish blood flow in and out of the umbilical cord in red and blue. Now that's a show I would, and did pay, to see.

Granted, 4D technology is all the rage now, something akin to the microwave in the 70s I think, and posting your ablative-looking darling on your myspace and facebook pages is a great way to share with family and friends. But when it really comes down to it, when the money is actually leaving your account, the 4D ultrasound is a just a novelty for parents to one-up the person in the next cubicle with the latest in baby related crap.

You can have the 4D ultrasound performed at your doctor's office if they offer it or you can do a local Yahoo! search for 4D ultrasounds in your area. We came to learn that there are regulations on sonography and that sonograms are lumped into two categories, recreational and medical. The recreational sonograms are performed with the same equipment as medical-grade but not necessarily by trained and qualified, I use that loosely, sonographers. The recreational sonography offices are required by law to display a 'For recreational use only' sign, so you're paying for the 4D on your own dime.

The Ultra-Violence

In our case we were able to find a licensed sonographer qualified for medical-grade ultrasounds with 16 years experience offering 3D and 4D for the low low price of only $100. The sonographer was very professional taking measurements, filling out the chart to take back to the doctor's office, pictures and DVD of the procedure, the whole enchilada. I was ecstatic to finally get a break, something relatively cheap and the wife was happy. I should have known the doctor's office would retaliate at this dishonor to their family.

When we showed up for our next doctor's appointment, on time, and were informed by the office manager, not a medical professional, that they couldn't accept an out-of-office ultrasound due to liability issues,
I reached the violence level.
The mousy woman then proceeded to tell us that our scheduled ultrasound to check for spina bifida, that we didn't know about or need, would only be, you guessed it, $385.
I reached the ultra violence level.
After finding a fairly priced service by a qualified individual the prenatal cartel struck back with the dreaded liability ploy. We had a valid ultrasound report, the sonographer had several letters of credentials after her name, we knew everything we needed to know from a freaking ultrasound. I would have thrown that woman threw the front glass doors if I wouldn't have gone to jail. In the end we had to pay the money to move forward in the whole prenatal care scam. Nothing assuages my bitterness except the hope for a lifetime of bad service for these individuals and maybe home foreclo

Guy Recommendations:

- The regular 3D ultrasound is more than enough for baby related information.
- Be ready to become bored after seeing the same thing for 15 minutes. DO NOT take out your reading material while the ultrasound is going on. Your wife will be in a grand state of rapture while looking at the baby inside her. Her wrath for you ruining the moment will be equally grand.
- Do not make snide comments about the doctor's office staff's weight, mock double negatives or threaten the nurses or sonography technicians. This will only make your wife angry, she doesn't care what they think of you but how she looks being married to you.