The Awesome Aorta

So what exactly is the aorta and why is it so awesome?

The aorta is the largest artery in the body and carries oxygen-rich blood away from the heart and distributes it to the other arteries of the body. The average aorta is the size of a hot dog starting at the top of the heart and running the length of your abdomen. I know, this is thrilling stuff.

While the anatomy of the aorta is mostly the same for everyone the reason for it's awesomeness will no doubt vary from person to person. My own aorta's awesomeness is due to it's excellent reliability, extended warranty
and being a necessity for living. I'm
sure other people will have their own reasons.

It Giveth Life and Causeth Vomiteth

The medical description of the aorta seems fairly straight forward, it's the high-speed Autobahn of arteries that carries the oxygenated blood to the body which in turn gives you life. Seems pretty important. In addition to this handy function of keeping us alive, the aorta can also make you spontaneously vomit, become dizzy, smooth pass out and generally feel like crap from oxygen deprivation when pressure is applied, or in this specific case a well placed baby part.

This tricky little detail was responsible for several bad morning and midday vomiting sessions and several miserable weeks. Here's how it works. Subtly, the baby aorta clamp shifts into place and applies pressure throughout the night, ensuring a great vomitous, oxygen-deprived start to the day, thus masking itself as morning sickness. Unknown to us, the vomiting would usually shift the baby's position and my wife would start to feel better as the day went on and oxygen started to return. Very, Very sneaky. We assumed it was just persistent morning sickness (yeah I read the baby books). Oh little did we know.
Vomit, feel better.
Vomit, feel better.
Vomit, feel better.
Vomit, feel bad whole day, can't think straight, vomit, feel better.
Repeat the next day.
I started carrying Wal-Mart bags with us everywhere after an unpleasant public experience involving pancakes, a trash can and two people eating in a cafe. If I wasn't running looking for a bathroom I would have apologized.

When we went in for the monthly appointment the doctor was able to diagnose the aorta pressure immediately after hearing the symptoms/stories and she showed us several techniques for avoiding aorta catastrophe. Being aware of this possible complication could have helped us prevent several upchucking events and sleepless nights so feel enlightened by this knowledge.

Baby Adjustments 101

1. Push gently but firmly on one side of her stomach until you can feel the baby shift.
2. If the baby won't shift with the gentle method get a large fork from the kitchen, just kidding.
Use your palms and apply more pressure gently. The doctor looked like she was kneading
dough when she was showing us but I figure she may have more experience and can be a little
rougher.
3. The last method was all up to gravity, your wife needs to get into a position where the baby
hangs away from her torso. It can be leaning over on a counter, on her hands and knees or
whatever. This helped avert many last minute messes.
4. She should start to feel better almost immediately if the baby has shifted. Not 'let me make
you sandwich' better but she won't pass out and hurt herself falling, which you will most
definitely be blamed for.

Guy Recommendations:

- You can never have too many Wal-Mart plastic bags stashed everywhere.
- If it really is morning sickness Preggie Pops actually do work, I have absolutely no idea why though.
- If your wife says she feels nauseous ask if she has a headache and general feeling of blahhhh. If she does, implement one of the above anti-aorta baby clamp moves. You'll be a hero.
- The night is not your friend. Set out everything you're both going to wear the night before. I know many girls already do this but after three or four bad nights many things go out the window.
- Make sure light-headed spells don't turn into potentially dangerous fainting. Just one fainting incident and you have just officially been appointed as her chauffeur until the doctor says otherwise. Get some good reading material.